Vegetables Are Boring

How can there be so many people out there who love them so much? Up until a few months ago, a general rule of thumb I lived by was that if it’s green, it’s not comin in. I’m actually very surprised I was able to pull this off for as long as I did. I always figured it would culminate in this ridiculously premature heart attack at the age of 23 that would knock some sense into me to finally start eating right. So this alternate path things have been taking so far is not bad at all.

But back to my point. The other day I went to a restaurant and ordered the grilled chicken with steamed vegetables. You have to understand, just writing that sentence has caused me to pause and re-read it in disbelief: Chicken. Vegetables. I ordered. Anyway, the plate arrives and I honestly have no idea how I’m supposed to eat these green foodstuffs that are just laying there next to my chicken. Do I need to cut them? Is there a special fork? Which part do I eat? Is the leaf edible? I don’t even know what they’re called. So after getting a crash course on the proper vegetable consumption technique, I ask the papa what the heck is that I’m eating. He says that I just ate spinach. Naturally, Popeye comes to mind for one very nostalgic moment. And then there was this other thing. I’m still not sure what it’s called. I wanna say broccoli…or maybe cauliflower? It was green…and bushy. And really pretty friggin mundane. How do vegetarians survive?! And vegans!! It boggles my mind! I mean once the whole New World Order thing is established and everyone eats vegetables like we’re supposed to, then I’ll be all for it. But until then, cows will continue to be my favorite source of food.


...you got the cadillac of minivans