Oh Sweet Irony

A great Canadian songwriter once said: “it’s like rain on your wedding day. A free ride when you’ve already paid. It’s the good advice, that you just didn’t take. ‘Who would’ve thought, it figures.” Keep in mind she is also god in the View Askewniverse, so her words hold a lot of weight.

At this specific time in my life, I find myself surrounded by ironies wherever I look. Ironies in things people say, ironies in people’s actions, and the biggest irony of them all: the things I must now do to remain healthy and medically stable.

I think humans are in their very nature ironic beings. Rarely ever truly saying what we mean and at the same time expecting everybody to understand what we are trying to say. What really bothers me is when I hear people get really bent out of shape over things that truly do not matter for no other reasons then to take the opportunity to make a point; that is also usually meaningless. A very basic and generalized example of what I’m trying to say would be the following: let’s say someone goes to the bathroom and forgets to flush the toilet. Then the next person goes in, sees the scene, flushes, does their thing, and comes out. Then they go to the poor bastard who forgot to flush the toilet and incessantly insist on wanting to know “why” they forgot to flush the toilet. I deem this to be something that really does not matter, and a friendly reminder to flush next time would suffice. And I believe the solution is simple: Tyler Durden. Everyone should be more like Tyler Durden, except for the whole thing about being a criminal mastermind using Fight Club as a cover for a violent vandalistic gang. He did not let the unimportant get to him the way most people do. Like that scene where he scared that guy to death by pointing a gun at him and demanding information from him. He knew the gun wasn’t loaded, but that didn’t matter, cause nobody else did. And that is why Tyler Durden is my role model. Also, I wouldn't mind looking like Brad Pitt...and neither would the ladies. ha.

Which finally brings me to, well…me. Having been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease would be the cause of the 180 I have taken in just about every aspect of my daily life. For starters, one of the most enjoyable things in my life – eating – has been given a major makeover. A diet that up until 6 months ago consisted mainly of bread, beef, salt, coke, and more beef, is now one that includes no bread, no beef, very little salt, and no coke. Instead I have been eating chicken, chicken, carrots, chicken, peas, water, and more chicken. All of which is bought at this organic foods store called Wild Oats; a place which until 6 months ago would be considered hell for me. A forsaken place for the few isolated crazies that actually enjoy the consumption of healthy foods. Actually that’s still how I see the place, but I don’t really have much of a choice.

But seriously, it truly is amazing what life has in store for each and every one of us. No matter how prepared you think you are, there will always be something that’ll catch you completely off guard and force you to change your ways. If you go through the whole ordeal at hand in a positive state of mind, I believe it is almost guaranteed that you will grow from it and truly be a better person because of it. I mean God won’t put you through anything that you can’t handle. Even if things turn out differently than you expected, it’s most likely the best way for things to go. I believe I’ve come out of most of the things thrown my way a better and more mature person…at least that’s what I like to think.

...she doesn't quite chop his head off; she makes a pez dispenser out of him

Waiting in Line

Humans are silly beings. Just watch any person and/or group of people close enough and it’s amazing how much is going on simultaneously. If we ever did get invaded by aliens, I think they’d just fail to comprehend human nature and our reactions and just leave frustrated.

Today I watched Star Wars – Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (awesome movie, by the way). It was to begin at 10:45 AM. My sister and I got there at about 9:00AM and were the first ones there. I got my sister to stand in front of the door to begin a line while I went a little off to the side where the guy said the actual line might start. By about 10:00AM there were already around 50 people lined up behind my sister; which I must admit I found a little amusing. I mean there were 3 other sets of doors to the theater, but everyone just automatically lined up behind my sister, who was standing in front of one of the many doors. But back to my story. So after I’m convinced there won’t be a line where I’m standing, I decide to join my sister. By now there are easily 60-70 people lined up in front of the door behind us. Then this guy comes up with his hair tied back, wearing these sleek sunglasses and this smooth jacket thinking he’s coolness incarnate along with his little posse. And he’s all “excuse me” as he goes in front of me to check on the doors of the theater to see if they’re locked. When he left, my sister and I, along with the couple behind us just started cracking up. It’s as if 70 people would be standing outside in the incredibly hot and humid weather by choice. Cause apparently he thinks none of us have checked the doors. sigh.

The worst part is that even though I’m making fun of this guy, I would probably do the same thing if I were in that situation. It reminded me of this comedy routine that I think Ellen DeGeneres had where she talks about people feeling the need to repeatedly push the elevator button as if it would speed things up. Everyone knows it won’t. Yet everybody does it anyway. Why is that? I guess it just keeps you busy while you wait. I do it all the time. But it’s just more enjoyable watching other people do it so I can make fun of them.

...my need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale cannot be corrected

Something a Little Different

so i'm gonna try something a little different with this post. And all credit goes to my friend Adeeb, from whom i completely stole this idea. He had a pretty good response on his site so i thought i'd give it a try here, verbatim:

If you read this, even if i don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.

Go wild.


...lieutenant dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company

The People v. George Lucas

As I’m sure everybody knows by now, George Lucas has been getting a lot of crap from his so-called “fans” for the creation of Episodes I and II. I’m a big fan of the Star Wars franchise, and though I’ll say they weren’t exactly the best movies, I’ll still support Mr. Lucas because he’s had this clear vision of what he wants out of his hexology for like…40 years now I think. But the fans didn’t stop there…

A few months ago, Lucas released a special edition set of DVDs of the original trilogy with certain modifications in the film itself. For example, in that last scene of Return of the Jedi, they see the Force ghosts of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin. In the original cut, Anakin’s spirit was played by Sebastian Shaw, who was in fact the guy under Darth Vader’s mask in the same movie. However, with the new edition of the DVD, George Lucas replaces Shaw with the young Hayden Christensen, who has been playing Anakin in Episodes II and III. Here are some of the changes in the new DVDs with side-by-side comparisons. The one I’m speaking of is the very last one on that page.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that there have been A LOT of people who have been complaining about these changes claiming crazy things like George Lucas ruined their movie. Or just take the much easier way out and proclaim to the world the level of George Lucas’s stupidity. I think that’s all a load of crap. Star Wars is Lucas’s brain child, his baby. He’s a filmmaker, it’s his art. Just as a painter will keep making changes to his work until he is satisfied with the finished product, George Lucas will continue to do the same until he feels that he has accomplished what he set out to complete 30 years ago. The man had this specific idea for the entire saga since the beginning. He knew he wouldn’t be able to make Episodes I, II, and III the way he wanted to back in the 70s, so he did the other three first and waited for the right time when technology could handle his vision to complete the first three. And now that he has the capability to go back and change even the original trilogy, he’s jumped right on that opportunity to complete them the way he always intended to. So the only complaint that I guess is somewhat reasonable would be those people who watched the original in the theaters in the 70s and want to watch the movie they remember seeing back in the day when life was simpler. But even then, it’s not like he made some insane change to the story. But I do believe he should make that version available for purchase so people can have the option. If anything, I think that makes him a genius; both as a filmmaker for being able to practice such extreme forethought, and as a businessman since there are now endless versions of DVDs that he can release which the public would consume like animals, myself included.

The defense rests, your honor.

...hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for SEGA

Exercising Bragging Rights and Eating Cookies

I’d like to take this time and thank my cousin Dayyan Eng for the bragging rights his career has given me, of which I shall fully exercise in the beginning of this post. He is a filmmaker in China whose amazing short film, Bus 44 (which can be admired here) has won awards at Sundance, Cannes, and the Venice Film Festival just to name a few. His first feature length film, Waiting Alone, just got distribution for a China release around August I believe. So if and when it comes over to the US, make sure to stop by your local theater and watch it. You won’t be disappointed. Specially since I make a special guest appearance. Ha.

But seriously…

Has everyone heard of that ridiculous new thing Sesame Street is doing to Cookie Monster? Basically, denying his one source power and his entire reason to live. It would be like telling Linkin Park to come up with something original, they would all just go “does not compute” and spontaneously combust. I mean how could they take away cookies from the COOKIE Monster. Man, I was watching Sesame Street a few months ago and his addiction to cookies still gave me the biggest laughs.

Alas, such is the way of the ever-changing world. Parents’ increasing over-protectivity of their children today is seriously sickening. I was watching the ever-informative Daily Show the other day and their guest was discussing this very topic. She was saying how there are elementary schools where they have virtually done away with kids playing tag during recess and instead substituted it with something called the “friends circle” – or something ridiculous to that effect – where kids get to take turns sharing their feelings. Unbelievable. And then there’s all these other people who don’t even let their kids roll around in the dirt like kids tend to naturally do for what to me really is no good excuse at all. They seem to forget that exposing them to all these things at a young age will actually develop the immunities necessary to fight them at a later time when it becomes necessary. Sigh, I just don’t get people sometimes. As Harvey Pekar so eloquently put it “life is pretty complex stuff”. I know imma be throwing my kids out of the house and into the sandbox and make sure they’re well exposed and comfortable with nature and all the beauty it has to offer. And when they get old enough, they can stay home all day with their dad watching HVGs; that’s Holographic Video Goggles for those who are time travel impaired.



...how am i supposed to heal, if i can't feel time